New, objective paper published

The latest issue of the journal Science has published the first completely objective paper. The paper, called ’19.834’, contains 16 columns and 74 rows of numbers, calculated to the 5th decimal point, and will be published in the November 9th issue of the prestigious journal. It contains no introduction, theory, interpretation, discussion or reference list.

Lead author Fei Yazuki is proud of the achievements of his team. Yazuki: ‘Our result speaks for itself, we like to think. It is our belief that science is plagued by unnecessary theorizing, overinterpretation, complicated models and overselling of conclusions. For this reason, we stripped away all the unnecessary theory and let the data speak for itself. In the end, that is what science is about: Results”.

Figure 1 shows an excerpt of the findings that have excited fellow scientists from around the world. Joana Sternel, postdoctoral scientist at NYU, is impressed by the work. “This is very exciting. Most people, including our group, would expect 3.2, or maybe even 5, in the first cell. If these findings are replicated, they might completely change the way we look at aeronautics, quantitative genetics, computational linguistics or cognitive neuroscience.”

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11 comments

  1. ichemandrew

    Using the recently developed analytical method of diagonal reticulation of splines by multiple parts, my own lab has determined that this table reduces to the universal constant “42” as the alphabetagammadelta function approaches unity. Our work is pending publication as we address the concerns of the third reviewer that we have not sufficiently cited his work.

  2. Jprs

    Clearly, the authors are trying to avoid the obvious conclusion that D´ is stochastically orthogonal and trivially affine.

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