Physicists at CERN caught ‘colliding’ household objects

Inside_the_CERN_LHC_tunnelInspectors examining a recent malfunction at the Large Hadron Collider found that senior scientists had been ‘inserting various household objects into the collider’, causing helium leakage and misalignment of several of the magnets. The Large Hadron Collider, or LHC, cost over 4.1 billion dollars to build, runs a length of 27 kilometers below Geneva and has been used to search for evidence of the Higgs particle and the associated Higgs field. These noble goals bear little relationship to the activities engaged in by Yukihide Matsuzi, a Japanese theoretical physicist, and his colleague, Klara Eschelbach, a mathematician interested in models of supersymmetry.

‘Apparently they were just chucking stuff in there to see what would happen’ said a distraught David Branston, project leader overseeing CMS and Atlas projects. ‘Just when we might be seeing evidence two different Higgs particles, these clowns almost destroy the collider!’ The scientists in question admitted they had already collided several watches, a fountain pen, a bunch of keys and a can of coke. ‘It is very irresponsible of us, but our project has been delayed by 18 months. We’ve been here doing checks and simulations for more than four years now. I guess we just couldn’t help ourselves when we realized the machine was operational but not colliding proton beams. If we found a new particle by colliding coke-cans we were going to call it a colon…’. Eschelbach said in a feeble attempt to lighten the situation. “Maybe we should have stuck with our original plan of making high-energy popcorn instead…”

Branston says he’s ‘just glad we could stop them before it got any worse’.”Just look at the stuff they had lined up!’ the project leader said. Among the objects soon to be reduced to subatomic particles were a desk chair, a Microsoft Zune and two rather nervous looking mice. The damage to the LHC will extend the two-year break by several months.

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33 comments

  1. Lady Quixote

    Frankly, I think these bored scientists showed remarkable restraint. If that were me, during the recent Christmas holidays I would have been sorely tempted to toss in several surly store clerks, an annoying relative or two, a flashing pre-lit fake Christmas tree, and canned Holiday Muzak.

    • Monti

      Did someone today told you, “you are beautiful”? You are beautiful. There, I said it. :)
      Your comments are interesting to read.
      Anyway, have a great day. I got to go and get ready for work. Someone has to keep the wheel rolling.

  2. Lady Quixote

    That may be. My husband tells me the reason why I couldn’t figure out how to install the new battery in my computer while he did it in less than half a second is because he studied physics in college, while I did not.

    However, Mr. Anonymous, I must respectfully ask that you refrain from referring to me as “Woman.” I am a Lady.

  3. Mike

    Why not put 2 republicans into the collidor and see what happens when you smash two heads containing no sign of intelligence. If the first attempt is not successful, they could continue to all of the samples were smashed.

    • Monti

      Why don’t you toss in Oboso and all Democrats who are trying to destroy the Constitution and see if there would be a chain reaction. We might discover a new source of energy then we can keep tossing in more Democrats to keep America running.

    • NotHereNow

      Nick – I agree. I cannot accept this as a factual story. I have to think this is a spoof – funny but a bit over the top…. I don’t think you can “toss things in there” I don’t think it works that way…. but then I am just a poet who likes to read stuff…. and past reading leads me to think this story just doesn’t ring true. It has satire written all over it….

  4. Lady Quixote

    I think the most productive use for that collider would be to toss in all the people whose lives are motivated and defined by hate. I mean, in addition to the surly sales clerks and canned Christmas Muzak. ;)

    • Lady Quixote

      On second thought, forget about the hate people, they’re bound to self-destruct sooner or later, anyway. How about colliding my best-friend-hubby’s gas-guzzling 1-ton truck, with his motorcycle? I would be much less inclined to worry when he’s out on the road if he had seatbelts and airbags and was surrounded by a protective steel “cage,” as he call it. Plus the savings in fuel would be great for our budget, and our planet. Wow, just imagine the possibilities! I believe those bored scientists are on to something!

      Thank you so much for keeping us up-to-date on cutting edge news, Dr. Psyphago. You rock!

      • Lady Quixote

        Fortunately for me, “qsdqs,” I cannot go to the kitchen, because it is a small galley kitchen and not nearly big enough for both me and my 6’3,” 290 lbs, US Marine Vietnam Veteran leather-wearing biker husband, proud rider with both the American Legion and the Patriot Guard. You see, my manly best-friend-hubby is the primary cook in our family. He has always loved to cook, he has a vast collection of cookbooks, and everything he serves is seasoned with LOVE. Am I lucky, or what!

        It works out equitably in our marriage, though, because I am the one who does the roof repairs and the lawn mowing, and February before last I donned a head-to-toe rubber rain suit and a respirator and crammed myself down into the claustrophobic narrow crawl space under our house, and for most of a solid week I single-handedly dug out a veritable lake of raw sewage that had backed up under our house due to a ruptured sewer pipe in the below-zero deep freeze we were having. It was by far the most horrible nasty and back-breaking job I have ever done in my almost-60 years of living. But it had to be done, my husband could not fit under our house, and we didn’t have the money to hire a professional crew to clean that horrible hazardous mess up. So I did it, because that’s the kind of non-sexist person I am.

        I also negotiated the super good deal on my hubby’s new motorcycle a few months later, so I could surprise my deserving man with the bike he had been drooling over, but was too unselfish to buy for himself.

        It has become obvious to me, “qsdqs,” that you are a blogger whose real first name begins with the letter “D.” Your blogging name begins with the letter “q,” and you are the author of a blog about your mother, whom you describe — and with good reason — as a flaming sociopath. It is equally, and sadly, obvious to me that you are still furious at me on behalf of your dear blogger friend, whose blogging name begins with the letter “u.” You are furious at me because several months ago I left an anonymous comment on “u”‘s blog that was horrible, rude, bitchy, and way out-of-line. In the heat of the nearlyt-insane mood I was in at the time that I wrote that terrible comment, I believed that what I was saying to “u” was right, and that she “needed” to be told what I was thinking.

        In hindsight, I can see that my first clue to the fact that my comment to “u” was very wrong, should have been the fact that I felt compelled to write my comment anonymously.

        When I saw “u”s pained reaction to my judgmental putdown, I realized then how horribly wrong I had been. I hated myself then. I mean it: I really, intensely, H*A*T*E*D me.

        After several days of wallowing in miserable guilt, shame, and intense self-hatred, I did the only thing I could think of to do, to try to make it better for your friend “u”, who had wrongly — but understandably — assumed that an abuser from her family of origin had left that mean, judgmental, anonymous comment: I went back to “u”s blog and admitted that I was the one who had left that horribly unjust anonymous comment, and I told her how deeply sorry I am, for having done such an ignorant, mean, hurtful thing. Then I left the blogging community of Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, because — although God knows I am indeed the child of not one, but two, intsanely abusive Narcissistic/Sociopathic parents, I realized by my judgmental reaction to reading “u”s blog from the beginning, that I had inherited a vast amount of Narcissistic “fleas” from my parents.

        For about 2 weeks after I posted my confession and apology to “u,” I did nothing but lie in bed and cry, hate myself, and try to wish myself out of existance. Then, for the sake of my loving concerned husband, my 3 precious grown children, my many grandchildren, and my first great-grandchild, a boy, who is due to be born in less than 2 months, I got up out of bed and began what I call a “Madness Marathon.” In a nutshell, pun intended, what I’ve been doing in my marathon, is searching and learning everything that I can on the subjects of Family Dysfunctions, PTSD, Trauma, Abuse, Narcissism, Madness/Psychosis, Judgmental-ism, and so on and so on and…. wow. Just, WOW! The things I am learning are boggling my mind.

        The number one thing I am gaining from my Madness Marathon is: Compassion.. Ror EVERYBODY. Compassion for “u,” compassion for “q”, compassion for all the deeply wounded “Adult Children,” compassion for the crazy-making and badly broken/dysfunctional Narcissists/Sociopaths/Personality Disordered among us, and… compassion for myself.

        I’ve read so many great books in these past few months, and I still have a stack waiting to be read. A couple of my favorites so far are: Mistakes Were Made (but Not by me), by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, two brilliant social psychologists. That pithy tome explains just about everything and everyone!

        Another favorite I’m reading right now, it is a very expensive book written by therapists, for therapists, but it is down-to-earth enough even for a “retarded woman” such as myself to mostly comprehend. Thisvgreat eye-opening book is The Narcissistic Family, Diagnosis and Treatment, by Stephanie and Robert Pressman. Their tremendously insightful book explains your friend “u”s apparently covert narcissistic family, and how that type of parenting system affects a child growing up! I did not understand at all why “u” would not give her mother a second chance, when I went back to the beginning of “u”s blog and read enerything that she had written, and her mother had done to try to reach out to her, I thought her mother really wasn’t that bad.

        Certainly “u”s mother wasn’t anything like yours, or like mine. There aren’t too many mothers who flaunt their sick sexual perversions in front of their young children, drive their husband to suicide, and arrange for the robbery, murder, and body disposal of a lover, as your mother did; nor do too many mothers try to gas the whole family to death, and later get involved with her daughter’s husband, as my mother did, among so many other creatively abusive things. But, I am learning from the Pressmans’ book that there are far more subtle, covert ways in which a parent system can neglect, discount, and thoroughly screw up their children.

        I am learning from my Madness Marathon that none of us can truly judge anyone, if we haven’t walked in their shoes.

        One more thought, and then I will end my long-winded comment: I realize, “q,” that neither you, nor your friend “u,” nor anyone else in the Adult Child of Narcissists community is obligated to forgive me, no matter how sincerely I apologize. It does not matter that I am now fully cognizant of how completely wrong my mean-spirited anonymous comment was, when I accused your friend “u” of being a big spoiled whiny baby because I thought her parents weren’t “that bad.” Simply because I now know and admit that I was terribly wrong in what I said, this does not “entitle” me to anyone’s forgiveness. I understand and accept that, too.

        However, I also know that I matter, no less than anyone else. No human being is perfect, we know this. Everyone has made at least one stupid mistake in their life. I believe that I am entitled to be imperfect, and, despite my imperfections and wrongdoings, I believe I have the inherent right to refuse to submit to abuse, verbal or otherwise. Therefore, “q,” this will be the last time that I will respond to any sort of a put-down from you. You have walked in some very hard painful shoes in your life, but you have not walked in my shoes. You have no more right to judge and lambast me, than I had to judge and lambast your friend “u.”

        God bless, you “q.” I genuinely mean that. I care about you, rough edges and all. You are one of a kind, you are special, and you have many fine qualities, not the least of which is loyalty to your friends.

        So far, in my Madness Marathon, I am finding that the most effective way to heal the hurt in this hard life is not through juding and putting down all the “bad” people, but through what I call C.A.R.E.: Compassion, Acceptance, Respect, and Encouragement. This is what I now strive to give to all people, regardless of their perceived “wrongness,” or whether or not they seem to be “personality disordered.” This is also what I am learning to give to myself. No longer do I berate and punish myself, or anyone else, for being imperfect. We all need, and I believe we all deserve, C.A.R.E.

        Sincerely,
        Lady Quixote/Lynda

  5. Pingback: I’ve got your missing links right here (5 January 2013) – Phenomena: Not Exactly Rocket Science
  6. uberdoog

    Honestly, I think they were asking for it, that fooling around. I mean, nature abhors a vacuum and that humongous collider’s a giant inutile vacuum. I know it stands against “reason” what the erring scientists did, but at the same time, I get it too.

  7. giggles

    the lack of named witnesses, or sources, would suggest pretty strongly that this is a joke article. funny, though.

  8. Minerva

    It’s in fact very complex in this full of activity life to listen news on Television, therefore I simply use internet for that purpose, and take the latest news.

  9. Pingback: Physicists at CERN caught ‘colliding’ household objects | nicola ginzler design

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