Scientists conclude: ‘No further research is needed’

cc MontyredA new paper published in Science has concluded that no further research is needed. The announcement, made in the discussion section of the paper, comes as shock to millions of scientists across the world. Lead author Sara Jackson explains: “We were writing the discussion section of our paper and could think of no useful avenues for further research. We pretty much covered all bases.  We then thought for a moment and concluded that this was probably the case for the rest of science as well. So,we simply suggested that no further research is needed, at all, anywhere, ever.”

An emergency task force convened by the American Association for the Advancement of Science has confirmed the conclusions drawn in the paper. ‘A close examination of several hundred recent papers revealed that the suggestions for future research in papers are generally handwavy speculations about increased sample sizes, invisibility cloaks, epigenetics, personalized medicine or ways to stop the inevitable demise of our planet. If that’s the best they can do, then it’s time for scientists across the world to close their laptops, power down their workstations, go home and hug their families. We could find no ongoing science that justifies either the continued expenditure of taxpayer money or the scientists precious time.’

Working scientists are allowed to finalize projects already started and submit their papers prior to December 31st, 2013, as long as their conclusions ‘accurately reflect the collective decision to heretofore terminate scientific inquiry as we know it, and not to speculate otherwise’. After this date, thousands of laboratories across the world will close down. According to reports, white mice around the world have responded with restrained optimism about the possible end of science.

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45 comments

  1. Tim K

    It would appear that the authors have limited imaginations to come up with such a conclusion. If there is a crisis in science it is due to the fact that the funding bodies rarely fund science these days. Scientists have become so atuned to justifying their existence by handwaving about proposed applications and pathways to market that very little real science gets done these days.

  2. Nefarious Wheel

    Nooo! Late submission here:
    “The Applicability of Poe’s Law to Scientific Humour, on the Difficulty of Finding a Blog Entry Bereft of People Who Take Things Inappropriately Seriously”.

  3. Muhammad Israr

    haha.. Amazing… first i thought maybe the authors have made a mistake and that they only talked about their own paper..but to end the whole science… and i wonder what is the point of publishing if it has to end on 31dec13? great post…

  4. Akash

    just another scientific question: why are the scientists around the world concluding the way they are concluding, as found by these researchers? what is forcing them to these conclusions? For more read my blogs!

  5. Pingback: ‘No further research is needed’ ? « Dr. Akash Mehta
  6. Faidad Khan

    Ummm it means that we should leave our cars in a roadworthy condition while we have no fuel other than take fuel for it ;) lolzzzz

    • The Grandmother

      Unfortunatley the original link to the article was taken down due to the controversial nature of the article. Some speculate that top proffesors around the world pressured science to take the article down and that they have known that all research since 1997 have been more or less an elaborate rouse to keep the reserchers well funded.
      But spread the truth i belive that this conspiracy within the scientific community has to come to an end.

  7. Ken

    How do people not understand irony? Sarcasm? Snark for the sake of provoking thought? The inability of people to understand basic satire and how it is intended to work is an indication of how collectively stupid we have become. (I’m looking at you Muhammed. And Adriana, Akask, Heidy, Rob…)

  8. Big Orson

    There is still a vast untapped realm of research related to the incapacity of some humans to recognize irony, sarcasm, or humor of a more sophisticated nature than Moe poking Curly in the eye. I have already applied for the $1,000,000,000 grant. Even that may not be enough

    • kbcash

      I’m sorry, all grants must be processed through the department of the Blatantly Obvious, and cosigned by the section chief of Unrelated to any Human Experience Minutiae (UHEM).

      Your research may have already covered by a previous grant to study “Motivations to access a satirical website” which concluded that many humans have no idea where they are or what they are saying at any fixed moment in time.

  9. esarsea

    You have successfully passed your initial audition. Please call our office to set up a formal interview.
    –The Onion.

  10. Frank Costanza

    To put proper emphasis on the satire above, “It must have been proposed by Congressman Broun of Georgia on the House Science Committee.”

  11. Erasto

    C’mon guys, have a look at it… There is a not-better-specified Sara Jackson (which university is she from? What kind of studies does she do?), who has an accepted paper in Science (!!) – which is nowhere to be found (at least with advanced research in both google and Scopus) – on the end of scientific research. Plus we have a not-better-specified communication (report? paper? conference? press note? reference please…) by a not-better-specified “emergency task force” of the American Association for the Advancement of Science concluding that “could find no ongoing science that justifies either the continued expenditure of taxpayer money or the scientists precious time”.

    Noooo, it’s not a hoax… noooo…

  12. Pingback: Structured Procrastination, 17-Jan-2013 (Science should end, etc.) | Code for Life
  13. Pingback: Sport don’t need no science… | Visualcoach blog
  14. DS

    The articles on this site are pretty funny. But the funniest stuff here is the comments from people who don’t know that it’s meant to be a joke.

  15. Pingback: Scientists conclude: ‘No further research is needed’ « bugwitch
  16. Steve Friedan

    For shame, for shame. How can anyone with half a brain conclude that the human experience has completed our quest to unravel the complexities of science. For shame, For Shame

  17. Tom McIntyre

    Disturbing that so many respondents without the perception or imagination to recognize a good joke with a particle of truth are allowed to do any kind of research.

  18. Jay Glidden

    Your wrong I know something that’s worth researching and making a reality, and I came up with its discovery, I just need a research team that I know won’t steal my ideas. I need scientist specialized in these fields of study Bionics, Computer Science, and Neuroscience. Its an idea that will evolve humans into even more advanced species, and make life even more easier then we’ve made it.

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